i need an iv and a liver transplant
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
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What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
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The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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