Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize