I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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