We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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