Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
