cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
