Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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