The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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