cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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