just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize