She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
