Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
