I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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