I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
