You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
