My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
