You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
