his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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