I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
