My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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