Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
