I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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