There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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