I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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