"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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