i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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