so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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