You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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