Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
