this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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