She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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