You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
