I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
