I think I am morally bankrupt
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
