maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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