I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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