after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My balls are so social today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize