mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
All the doctor said was why
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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