stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
two words: eviction party
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
