the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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