someone get that fucking seahorse.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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