This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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