i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
