My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
