remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
