I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
