I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
