I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
