Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
