i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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