what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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