I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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