yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
