i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think my moral compass just broke
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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