yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
