If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
