i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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